My parents met at a KILLER party in the valley in the fall of 1983… They we’re both really hip and like wanted to see some bands play and drink some beers.. they both got a little trashed and stumbled into one another and the next thing my mom knows she’s calling my dad a few weeks later exclaiming she’s preggers. Since they were both secretly Christian they decided to pop me out and grow up. To their pleasant surprise they gave birth the extravagant little me. I grew up happily in the 80s. My parents both had bitchin’ corporate jobs and spoiled me rotten. We were liberals. Everything glistened.

Sadly, that all changed and as I’ve aged everything seems to get worse and worse and the rich don’t care – very evident with the lack of health care… I’ve gotten older and have become my own person and have seen how hard some of my friends have it who aren’t as together as I am. It really saddened me when a friend died of cancer that could have been beaten if they had better health care. Anyway, I’m not one for violence cause I’m a big panzy but I do understand why people are feeling provoked to attack and I’m not sure if that means I’m a far right nut bag or just a concerned liberal that feels let down by a “liberal” government that is involved in multiple wars and not making life here in America any better for any of us. I’m confused as to what is right and what is wrong. And if there is anything we can do to relive the magic of a prosperous America or if the prosperity America once enjoyed is forever over. If that is the case I guess I’m destined to pine away for all the childhood moments spent moon walking across the tile kitchen floor…

I do know I don’t hate you Mr. Joe Stack for ending your life in protest. In fact I sorta think what you did was a beautiful act and I’ll light a candle for you.

I’m putting on a short one act entitled “Life on Mars: the james bidgood story” at CCA as part of Poet’s Theater next Friday January 15th. Mercury has gone into retrograde people and it’s been fucking up my energy!!!!!!! I’ve had a computer crash, I’ve had a car window smashed in, I’ve had my internet go out, I’ve been really fucking drunk followed by extreme hangovers, I’ve been hiking but still feel fatter, I’ve broken a glue gun and managed to get paint all over my apartment, I’ve tried to hang paintings but just managed to put huge holes in my apartment walls, basically I’m a total fucking mess… if you have any heart and soul bring me wine!!! lots of it!!! and make it stat!!!

Oh, and come to my play!!!

Join us for a night of costumed ribaldry, artistic blasphemy, and cultural craziness, along with drinks, food and other wonders!

As part the first night of SPT’s annual fundraiser we will present new plays, performances, and surprises from Julie Patton, Dodie Bellamy, Tonya Foster, Brent Cunningham, Stephen Boyer, Rodney Koeneke! Audience participation welcomed!

See smallpresstraffic.blogspot.com for updates, directions, photos, and more!

The boys at minorprogression are heading back to sxsw this year… but now it’s been announced that Todd P is throwing a rival party in Monterrey, Mexico as backslash to the over saturated sxsw… What to do What to do???

The natural inclination is to think that Austin will be much more willing to meet my needs. After all, Texas is a republic, practically it’s own country, full of amazing oil money and doesn’t believe in things like contaminated water and lots of stray dogs. I could easily spend the week with blurry eyed American kids, knowing I may get AIDs but probably won’t catch a parasite…

If I go to Mexico, I’ll have to “camp” (isn’t that just a term susan sontag discussed quite heavily??? i guess it’s also a verb???). I may get a parasite from the unsanitary situation all third world nations allow themselves to deal with… I’ve never ever left a first world country sooo i may have some eye opening experience that will lead me to need to see my therapist on a more regular basis.. The pro side – I’ll probably meet a lot of really hot latino boys and I’ll probably meet some really cool young American boys that “get me” and have read my books and think of me as a really hip performance artist that should move to sweden where I’d be taken care of and offered a sense of dignity…

what to do?? what to do??

I have this thing for rowdy hot gay punk boys and the finer things in life like paintings, rare books, expensive furniture, hardwood floors, vintage glasses, and a well kept apartment.

I can’t imagine life without one nor the other.

I categorize them seperately because I suffer from extreme paranoia whenever I invite rowdy hot gay punk boys home with me.

Firstly, I want them to remain rowdy, I want them to get sorta violent in a hot S/My sorta way yet I want to ensure I wake up from my drunken state with my life still perfectly intack.

I want to buy them drugs and share needles with them.

I don’t have to worry about things getting stolen.

If something is stolen it means that the rowdy hot gay punk boy has good tastes because everything in my apartment is important.

I worry about things breaking.

I don’t care if the rowdy punk rock boy breaks or if he breaks my ass, it is only the things in my apartment that I don’t want broken.

I want to wear lingerie, play late 70s noise music really loud and get my face smashed into the hardwood floor.

I want to hurt.

I want to feel real.

As an important member of society the bourgeois individual undoubtedly has many places to be and time is money! Therefore, every bourgeois person can relate to the ever present sense of hatred for their fellow man they experience when getting behind the wheel of their car to make the trek to whatever destination they need to get to. Some common stereotypes that often get the blunt end of the hatred are bikers, fat people walking across intersections, the elderly, people that break for yellow lights, trucks/truck drivers and Asians.

I propose the last category be re-examined, especially considering the current economic times that are pushing many out of the bourgeois class. Currently, Asians are often portrayed as not knowing how to drive because they do not follow the rules of the road that “we Americans” – sorry international readers but this blog is primarily focused on the problems plaguing the American Bourgeois Person – adhere to. However, it is rare that the “we Americans” takes to the time to think about the possible decision process behind the Asian driver. Firstly, since the vast majority of “we America” cannot make a distinction between someone from Tawain, China, Japan, Singapore, Myanmar, or Nepal.. I’m just going to discuss the biggest country – China. Did you know that in China cars have the right away. And not only that, but the biggest car has the most power/advantage on the road!!! Think about that all you folks with Hummer’s!! If you went to China you’d actually get the freedom to use your Hummer to it’s full potential. Pedestrian in your way? Fucking nail that bitch! Best off about China’s “on the road” policy is the fact that helping a sick/injured person puts the Good Samaritan at risk of getting sued for insurance purposes. Come on Republicans, I know these are the Christian values you love! Let’s go the way of the Dragon and get to where we need to be on time!

Adam Goldberg’s latest film entitled Untitled (The Movie) discusses just how hard it is to be a successful NYC artist and many of the other common bourgeois problems we are all faced with:

Make sure you check out the official website for lots of clips and funny commentary on bourgeois life.

So you’ve been working out all afternoon at the local gym, sweating off the fun times you had while partying your life away all week on your parents dime. After a 3 hour session at the gym getting your abs perfect you head to the showers. After you undress to show the locker room that you’ve got the biggest dick in the room you toss your jock strap into your locker then strut to the sauna’s. Everyone stares at you and your ego swells. You shower then return to your locker realizing that someone in the room reached in through the the little holes to steal your jockstrap. As you pull on your pants you scan the room looking for shifty eyes and/or a smirk on one of the fucker’s faces. Alas, you are destined to walk out of the gym without underwear.

For those unaware that the way in which to shut down your Lexus when the accelerator sticks, hold the ignition button down for three seconds and the engine will stop. Pushing the button repeatedly will not stop your car and may result in a serious accident. Do you want your daughter’s death scream online for all the world to listen to? Imagine all the sadists masturbating to this. You know it is happening.